I’m going through one of those “I don’t trust you” moments with my best friend again. Not like, she did anything wrong, I just often feel like she secretly dosent like me but just isn’t telling me cause she dosent wanna upset me. I’m not sure why I feel this way, it’s not like she did anything, nor does she even act weird around me. It’s just this strange fear I have in the back of my head all the time, it’s a fear I’ve had with all my close friends really. Usually why they leave eventually, kek. Friendships can’t really be built on that distrust, especially since it can feel accusatory, even if I don’t mean it that way. More so I feel like I’m doing something wrong but I don’t know what, and they won’t tell me.
Part of me also keeps thinking back to that train incident. I mean, she’s white. Does she see me that way? I wouldn’t blame her. Not that it’s about me of course. Ugh, I think I just have to get out of my own head. Clear my thoughts.
The most frustrating thing about these moments is I can’t talk to her about them. Not cause I think she’ll blow me off or tell me to fuck off, the direct opposite, I know she’ll listen. That’s why I don’t want to tell her, I don’t want her to have to coddle me and manage my feelings just cause I’m insecure, it’s not fair to her. Issue is I never know how to manage my feelings on my own, truth be told, my emotions are usually tied to her. If she’s happy, I’m happy, if she’s sad, I’m sad, etc.
We’ve known eachother since childhood and I still pull this shit, how does she not get sick of me? Sweet glory.