Edit: Ok, shows over so I will not be updating live anymore.
Okay so after advertisements for Snickers and the cheap pops of watching wrestlers enter the building, we start off with Seth Rollins. The crowd is going ape shit for him even though he's a heel.
(Pictured: Seth Rollins being awesome)
On an unrelated note I hate that UFC bought wrestling, because look at how many dumb fuck ads are on the mat. Annoying. What's also annoying is the fact that Bron Breaker has spent the last 5 minutes crying about Sami Zayn.
After literally 15 minutes of promo we get a recap of judgement day winning the tag belts. Backstage segment with them. The funniest part about this group is that Raquel Rodriguez is literally taller than all the male members, clocking in at 6 foot. Fine ass chicana bitch.
Ok FINALLY, a good fucking match. It's time for the pirate princess Kairi Sane.
(Pictured: Fine ass Joshi)
Roxanne out of the corner hammering on Kairi's back. Claws the eyes but Kairi keeps countering all her bullshit. Doing the spot where both of them keep going for a pin over and over again. Kairi gets an arm bar but Roxanne gets her feet on the ropes. Kairi connects with a solid spinning back fist she calls the cutlass. Kairi on the top rope but Raquel interferes.
Gay ass commercial. Thanks, TKO. It's bad enough when you bought this company that you put slim jim logos on the tables and 18 advertisements on the ring mat, now every time the matches get interesting I have to watch Pedro Pascal be a faggot in some new slop marvel is putting out.
God damn these Joshi wrestlers work stiff. (They make me stiff too, wokka wokka) Kairi landing some decent offense but Roxanne nails her with a kick. Moonsault from the top but Kairi kicks out. Roxanne goes to hit her in the corner but Kairi moves and TOTALLY botches a simple kick lol. Roxanne on offense again but can't get a 3. She's getting frustrated. Both women to the top, Kairi hits a really good Alabama slam and Raquel pulls Roxanne out of the ring. Kairi says fuck you and jumps on them. Roxanne tries to do her finisher but Kairi hits her with a good counter for the 3.
Post match Raquel and Roxanne are beating up Kairi. Asuka hits the ring and is fucking them both up. Asuka got a hanging arm bar off the ropes on Raquel and then they double team an insane elbow on Roxanne. It was nice to see the Kabuki warriors back together tonight even though they are singles wrestlers now.
(Pictured: Asuka celebrating with Kairi)
Another 3 minutes of commercials. Because after I get a chubby watching a Japanese girl beat the shit out of a South American girl, I want to see a commercial for rocket money.
I almost forgot before the commercial they did a backstage interview with Sami Zayn that got interrupted by Scarlett.
(Pictured: holy shit)
Tits ahoy, baby.
It's just been announced that Kairi and Asuka will be in the tag team match on Evolution, which means the Kabuki warriors will be back probably for one night only.
Whatever Bella Twin is married to Daniel Bryan is doing some kind of pre-taped promo about how she's entering the Battle Royale on Sunday. Wow... I don't care about this at all. Bitch can't wrestle.
You know I have to be honest with you, you really don't realize how much filler is on a wrestling show until you are reviewing it in real time. It has been 50 minutes and there has been ONE wrestling match so far.
Speaking of which Sami Zayn is coming out for a match. Karrion Kross came out of nowhere and just started beating on him with a pipe. I'm not gonna lie, that popped the fuck out of me. I'm still laughing about it as I'm typing this. He came out to all that pageantry and his theme and he just got beat with a lead pipe hahaha.
(Pictured: fucking LOL)
Another commercial segment. I hate to admit this but this R rated remake of naked gun with Liam Neeson actually looks like it
could be funny.
Back from commercial and I guess Sami Zayn is going to have the match anyway. Dude he's FUCKED UP lol. Here comes Bron Breaker, baby. Oh my God this is going to be a fucking SQUASH MATCH.
Bron in the ring just making fun of the fact that this is the second week in a row that Sami Zayn got beat up with a lead pipe. Puts Sami in the corner and just smashes his busted ribs again and again. Calling the crowd pathetic for cheering for a bum while he's stomping on Sami's midsection. Oh SHIT, he just threw him up in the air and then made him land stomach first on his knees. That actually look like it hurt for real. Think of a backstabber except he did it by throwing him up in the air and he put his knees in Sami's stomach instead of his back. Quality suplex out of the corner by Bron and he's getting ready for the spear. Sami actually hits a decent clothesline instead of eating the spear. Sami getting fired up and goes to the top rope but Bron hits an EVIL spear as Sami jumps from the top. Bron to the outside and runs all the way around the ring to hit another spear. He got that DAWG in him. I love that the crowd is chanting "one more time" lmao. He throws Sami back in and hits the ropes three times before nailing another spear for a three count. Fucking SQUASH match. That shit was cool as hell.
Dumb nigger team backstage whining about losing their tag titles and literally dressing up like women at a funeral because they're in mourning
(Pictured: gay niggers from space)
Another commercial break. I don't even think shooter McGavin and MJF can save Happy Gilmore 2. I don't know... it's going to be free on Netflix so I guess I'll watch it, but Adam Sandler hasn't put out a really funny movie since the '90s. Probably why he's going back to the well with a Happy Gilmore sequel. Remember in Billy Madison where his girlfriend was Sonya Blade from the Mortal Kombat movie? God DAMN she was fine in the 90s.
Back from commercial and Becky Lynch is in the ring. Wow, I do not care about this bitch. Get Canadian health insurance, Becky. Ugh, somebody gave this Mick cunt a microphone. PLEASE GOD, let her get interrupted. How does Seth Rollins fuck this harpy? He probably puts duct tape over her mouth and a bag over her head. Bayley and Lyra interrupted her, thank fucking Christ. Listening to two Irish bitches argue with their retarded accents confirms that all the good micks immigrated here decades ago like my family did. God damn this "we all want the mid card belt" whining is making me wish for another commercial break.
(Pictured: boring Irish bitches squeaking)
Jey Uso coming out to wrestle Bronson Reed. The only thing gayer than this guy's entrance through the crowd is the fact that Cardi B is going to be hosting SummerSlam this year. Well at least they spared me his 10-minute long entrance with a commercial break.
Oh goodie, a Superman movie trailer. More capeshit slop that has taken over movie theaters ever since the dark knight came out. And that's exactly what I want to see, a Superman movie by James Gunn, a dude who had questionable tweets about pedophilia and even went to a pedophile themed party dressed as a priest hosted by the lead singer of mindless self indulgence who was later accused of sexual misconduct with multiple 15 year olds when he was well into his 30s.
FIVE MINUTES of commercials and we're back and Jey Uso's entrance is still going. Bronson Reed finally coming out. Bronson Reed will always be funny to me because he looks like one of those characters you make in a wrestling video game as a joke when you set the maximum weight to "fat" plus give him an Australian accent.
I'm not even sure how to call this match. Jey Uso can't wrestle, it's the same lame kicks and running into the guy when he's in the corner he always does. Finally Bronson in control and he's just spamming him over and over again with elbows. Watching somebody so fat continuously jump up in the air like that, I can't help but be reminded of
@Ashley Hutsell Jankowski ....just a boring fat fuck being repetitive. Jey sets Bronson up in an office chair and super kicks him. God damn Bronson just got disqualified because Jey went to do a suicide dive to the outside and Bronson
THREW THE FUCKING OFFICE CHAIR INTO HIS HEAD. Splash from the top rope. Another splash. God damn, Bronson Reed completely disregarded CTE protocols with that office chair lmao. Fast cut the commercial, which means he might have actually got hurt.
(Pictured: CTE)
Back from commercial and it's a pre-tape about the Iyo vs Rhea match. Yeah, don't have your most popular female wrestlers come out and talk to each other in the ring, just play a tape. It's bad enough that Iyo hasn't defended the title since April 20th.
Well since we're not going to get to see Iyo on TV this week, here's that hot ass picture of her in a bikini again:
(Pictured: My celebrity crush. I'm so sorry Anne)
ANOTHER. FUCKING. COMMERCIAL. BREAK. This is unbelievable. Why do they keep making Madea movies? They're literally can't be that many niggers in America for these movies to be financially successful.
El Grande Americano taking on Dragon Lee. Having a pretty fast paced lucha match, it's a nice change of pace to see the Mexican style on American television. Dragon Lee with a cross body from the top rope. Waist lock into a wrist lock and it turned into a bunch of really cool flipping moves. A hard dropkick to the face and throwing outside on to the commentary table. You know what time it is. Tope suicida that was met with a hard kick In the head.
I'm not kidding, ANOTHER COMMERCIAL. Fuck this company. God forbid we miss a skittles ad and get to watch an entire wrestling match without a commercial break in the middle of it.
Back from commercial and the match has lost a little bit of steam but it's still pretty good. Dragon Lee hit a sick double stomp into El Grande's face while he was sitting in the corner. Really nice modified neckbreaker from the top rope by El Grande. Grande was hanging upside down from the top rope and dragon Lee stomped the shit out of his face. It made a slap sound. Kick out at 2, and I'm legitimately surprised that didn't end the match. El Grande wins with a diving headbutt.
(Pictured: hard hitting lucha action)
Penta shit talking Paul Heyman backstage and it's legitimately funny if you speak Spanish because they're getting away with cursing at each other lmao.
Guess what's up next? Seriously just guess. Yep you guessed it... Another round of commercials. Because God forbid I miss out on an advertisement for Domino's or chewy pet insurance.
Promo for the new wrestler Stephanie Vaquer. I hope she wins The Evolution Battle Royale. She's a sexy little piece of South American ass, white skinned Chilean.
(Pictured: South American sex appeal)
Gunther coming out to shit talk Goldberg. I'm still in disbelief that this Saturday they're going to let that 60 year old man wrestle for the fucking heavyweight championship. Goldberg just pulled up to the arena. Why the FUCK is the crowd cheering? Because an old guy is coming? He's so fucking old he just got gassed just from walking to the ring. Punches Gunther and Gunther leaves the ring. Don't worry Gunther, I would have left too instead of committing elder abuse.
(Pictured: OLD-berg)
Penta walking out to the ring for his match but I guarantee you there's going to be another commercial. Aaaaaaand..... Yup, more commercials. God forbid I miss an ad for whatever poison big pharma is pushing these days.
Penta hits the ring and the crowd pops HARD. Cero miedo, bitch. Seth music hits, crowd pops just as hard. I love that Seth is supposed to be a heel but his entrance music goes so hard you can't help but love it.
The match is going a mile a minute, pretty 50/50. These two are knocking the shit out of each other and the crowd is eating it up.
Oh wait hang on.... We need another commercial break because the people need to understand how important cash app and minute maid juice is. I can't believe that they would even interrupt the MAIN EVENT with commercials.
Back from commercial and Rollins is cut on his eye. He wiped the blood on Penta's mask, that's a great heel move. Rest hold and Penta powers out and chops Seth about five times and then kicks him in the head, follows up with a sling blade and a hard kick In the head in the corner. Penta does that awesome spot where he does the handstand on the top turn buckle and holds it until he's ready to kick his opponent in the face. Penta hits a backstabber for a 2 count.
The crowd is chanting "this is awesome" shut the fuck up, crowd. We know it's awesome we're watching it. Rollins hits a nasty looking gut buster and a frog splash from the top rope for a 2. Rollins goes for a curb stomp but Penta moves. The crowd is chanting for CM Punk. Fuck this crowd. They are both on the top rope together and they are OBVIOUSLY calling the match lol. Hurricanrana into a Penta driver for an extremely close 2 count. If the referee would have been in position Penta would have won. Rollins does a buckle bomb but Penta immediately turns it into a Mexican destroyer. Seth getting a hold of the rope is the only thing that saved him. Rollins use the back of his head to nut shot Penta and curb stomps him. 3 count, Rollins wins.
(Pictured: Rollins victory)
Bronson Reed and Bron Breaker come out to beat up Penta but LA Knight runs out from the crowd and hits the bft on Seth Rollins. The show goes off the air with LA Knight in the crowd laughing as his music plays.
(Pictured: L! A! Knight! YEEEEA!)
Pros:
The Kairi v Roxanne match stole the show.
Karrion Kross beating Sami Zayn with the lead pipe two weeks in a row was hilarious.
The main event didn't have any run ins or interference and that's rare.
The lucha match was surprisingly good.
Jey Uso getting hit right on the top of his head with an office chair looked fucking GNARLY.
Cons:
I don't like the fact that Iyo and Rhea were MIA with such an important title match on the line Sunday.
TOO MANY COMMERCIALS!
The first hour only had one match.
The 15+ minutes of talking at the beginning of the show was overkill.
OVERALL GRADE: B+
