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ANNE HATHAWAY FAN
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So I totally goofed last night and got to the end of the PPV by the time I realized I didn't review it. Long story short the most important thing that happened was Iyo lost the belt. Bummer.
So the show is kicking off with Naomi, the negress who cashed in money in the bank and stole the title from the Iyo vs Rhea match. She's literally talking like aunt Jemima. She can't cut a promo to save her life. At least she can wrestle.
Rhea comes out and puts an end to this foolishness. Thank you, Rhea. You know that things are bad when Australian Marilyn Manson impersonator cuts a better promo than you. OH MY GOD, Iyo just came out and the outfit she has on she needs two hairdos to wear. Cheeky. I love it. Adam Pierce comes out and sets up a match at SummerSlam between the 3 for the belt.
(Two hot girls and a nïgger talking)
Fucking commercial.
Getting into the action early as the Kabuki Warriors are coming out. Up against Roxanne and Raquel for a future title shot at the belts. Asuka and Raquel trading shots, the crowd is losing it for Asuka. Roxanne tags in and cheap shots Asuka. Stiff shot you can hear, Asuka is pissed. She grabs Roxanne by the hair and kicks her in the face about 10 times. Kairi tags in for a double team on Roxanne. Kick at one. Hahaha, the announcer just said one of my favorite sayings about hitting on other women when you're in a relationship: "just because you're on a diet doesn't mean you can't look at the menu" Asuka and Kairi get double bars, Raquel is able to pick Kairi up and slam her onto Asuka.
ANOTHER. FUCKING. COMMERCIAL. God forbid I don't hear about slim jims or shark week in the middle of a match.
Roxanne looks like she regrets getting in the ring with these new Japan women. The Kabuki warriors are basically putting on an exhibition here. Raquel tries to make the save but Asuka pulls down the top rope and shit cans her. Elbow from the top rope but Dominik distracted the ref and Raquel pulled Roxanne out of the ring right before the three. Raquel sent into the metal ring post and Asuka is beating Roxanne like a crash test dummy. More Dominik shenanigans, Asuka plants him with a spinning back fist but Roxanne steals it with a school boy.
(The Kabuki warriors, in disbelief that they just got beat by dorks)
Backstage with Paul Heyman talking about Seth's knee injury. Hyping Bron Breaker in The gauntlet match later tonight.
Commercial. That's 3 in 35 minutes.
Bayley coming out for a 2/3 falls match for the IC title against Lyra. Jesus Christ, do you think you got enough women's matches on this card? They LITERALLY just had an all women's match pay per view 24 hours ago. They tie up and Lyra is holding Bayley in a headlock and won't let up. Lyra to the top and Bayley gives her head pats like she's a weeaboos girlfriend, which was pretty funny. Slap across the face and a roll up and now Bayley wins the first of three. Now wrestling logic dictates that Lyra will win the second, thus negating the reason to have a 1/3 falls match.
(Bayley, stalking her prey)
Commercial break because why not? It's only been 10 minutes.
Back in and Lyra is is in control with quality kicks and clotheslines. Goes for the tornado DDT but it doesn't connect. Double drop kick into the corner, tornado DDT connects, turns it into a fisherman's suplex and arches her back for the pin but it's a 2. Irish whip reversed and Bayley hits a cross body into Lyra's back. Clean looking dropkick between the top and middle rope, but Bayley hits a belly to back on the ring apron. I can't believe that was a two count. She literally just won with a slap and a roll up earlier. A moment of actual grappling and Lyra gets the 3. Now they both have one win, like I said they would.
Commercial break. You can show me as many commercials for Marvel's latest shit stew with that faggot Pedro Pascal, but I'm still not going to see it. I watch highbrow cinema, like Beetlejuice and LITERALLY anything made by George Romero.
You can tell they are getting gassed because they aren't really doing much except throwing sloppy punches and kicks around. Lyra from the top but Bayley turns into a belly to belly suplex but it's only a 2. Bayley now to the top but Lyra punishes her and hits the Nightwing. For 2. On the ring apron again and a big move is being teased by both. It ends up being Lyra who hits a devastating fisherman's suplex on the ring apron. Bayley hit a sweet looking running power bomb onto the steel steps and she turns it into a elbow onto Lyra's spine. Now a cross face. Lyra somehow hits another Nightwing and gets the 3. This was actually a great match. That stairs powerbomb looked nasty. Becky Lynch comes out and does that thing where she holds the belt and they talk trash to each other.
(Lyra gets the pin right on top of a giant slim jim logo)
Stephanie Vaquer talking backstage and gets interrupted by Chelsea Green and her goons. Nikki Bella coming out about to show us what a girl who was literally picked out of a lingerie catalog and turned into a wrestler can do. Let's hope Chelsea Green has the skills to carry this match.
Commercial break, but we haven't had one in a while so I'm not annoyed. You know I could not have to watch these commercials by upgrading Netflix, but literally the only thing I watch on Netflix is wrestling so I'm not spending more money on this gay woke company than I have to.
Back from commercial and Karrion Kross cut a pre-taped promo with his woman that was cooler than I'm betting this next match will be. The announcers are telling us that this is Bella's first match in 7 years. Yeah we know she sucks, you don't have to make excuses. Chelsea is trying really hard to make Nikki look good, but her offense is faker than a prostitute's orgasms. Chelsea hits a dope backstabber, 90% of this match has been outside of the ring to give Bella a break. I can't even describe this because now they're throwing those fake looking wrestling headbutts that you would do to your brother when you were a little kid, and rest holds. I mean the commentators don't even know how to call this. I'm officially giving up on this match it stinks. Nikki wins, nobody cares.
("I used to fuck John Cena!")
I never thought I'd be happy to see commercials.
Gunther coming down to the ring. Finally, some fucking TESTOSTERONE on this show aimed at men. He's swaggering around, insulting the crowd and bragging about how he retired Goldberg. This is how a heel acts.
(Gunther, trash talking the crowd because she beat up an old man on Saturday)
Bron Breaker interrupts and we're going to get this shit underway. It's GAUNTLET time. They are cutting promos and hyping this main event up.
Commercial, but that's kind of expected because we are about to go into a long ass gauntlet.
Penta about to kick it off and I SINCERELY doubt he's going to win this gauntlet match because it's a you know... Gauntlet match. This is basically a wave of dudes coming one after another to wrestle Bron. I severely doubt he's going to get beat by the first guy. Penta jumps right on him with kicks and punches. Bron eats it and starts throwing Penta around like a doll. Crossbody off the top by Penta. He can't capitalize as Bron hits a good clothesline to a splash out over the top out of the ring onto Bron.
Commercial. Thank you, wrestling. I needed to see a commercial for the 37th Madea movie instead of this match.
Back in and Bron presses Penta and drops him on to the steel steps. Back in the ring and Bron hits a good suplex, and STOPS HIS OWN PIN ON A GUY SO HE CAN DO PUSH-UPS IN THE RING. Fucking awesome. An amazing looking belly to belly overhead suplex at the commentators just call a "throw" because they're retarded. Bron nails a spear for the 3.
(Bron hitting Penta at runaway slave speed)
LA Knights music hits. Fuck. This means he's going to do the job tonight. LA Knight looking strong starting out with all the offense. Jesus Christ, he's back on a cycle of gear like Drew McIntyre is. Trust me you don't have a body like that after 40 unless you're on some shit. And I'm on TRT and don't look half that good so he must be shooting up fuckin horse hormones. Dumps Bron over the top with a clothesline and hits him with a baseball slide. Slamming his head into the announced table, this match has been 100% Knight. Bron FINALLY gets an offensive move in by hitting Knight in the midsection and how convenient that he did it right before a commercial break?
(L! A! Knight! YEEEEEEEAAAAA!)
Back from commercial and Bron is still working the midsection but he can't put Knight away. Hit the ropes into a double clothesline (a lot of clothes lines tonight) and Knight hitting a series of punches and a neck breaker into a DDT. To the top with an elbow drop but can only get the 2. Knight goes for the BFT but Bron rakes the eyes and spears for 3.
The next one out is Jey Uso, a guy with a great intro, a great look, a great promo... The guy can do everything but wrestle. Bron drinks from a bottle of water to sell the fact that he's getting tired. Flurry of punches by Jey into a suicide dive.
Commercial break.
Jey gets a weak looking cross body and does the Samoan butt slam in the corner that they all do. He does it again. I love how everybody steals shit from Jacob Fatu because he's actually the coolest Samoan dude in the company. Frankensteiner from the top only for a 2. Jey superkick, superkick, spear. I swear to God he spams the same couple of moves like when your girlfriend tries to play Street Fighter with you. Bronson Reed interferes and Bron gets a 3 after a dope spear.
(Bron can't believe he's getting his ass kicked by some Polynesianigger who says yeet)
Here comes CM (the CM stands for child molester) Punk. Of course he has to start off beating the hell out of Bron because God forbid this chump isn't booked strong.
Commercial break.
Back from break and Punk is getting his shit in. Atomic drop and Bron hit him with an OVERHEAD BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX, STOP CALLING IT A "THROW", ANNOUNCERS. Bron it starts chanting CM Punk at the crowd and mocking Punks shit while he's beating him up in the corner. I like when Bron is making jokes, he has really lacked personality since he's come to the show and I'm glad he's starting to develop a character. Bron grabs Punk and is OBVIOUSLY talking to him but I don't blame him because he's had to wrestle three guys, at this point I wouldn't remember what I was supposed to do either. Frankensteiner but Punk rolls it into almost the 3 count. Hard kick to the head but Punk can't follow through, they both go to the ground. Neckbreaker by Punk into the running knee, into the macho man elbow for a 2, but Punk hits the anaconda. Bronson Reed comes in and splashes Punk because fuck you, no DQ lol. Ghey Uso comes back down and takes Reed out. Bron goes for the spear but Punk knees him and hits the GTS. Punk will face Gunther for the belt at SummerSlam. Lame.
(A picture of lameness)
Post match and the bad guys are killing Punk and Jey.
Oh shit I was expecting some kind of lame running for the good guys but I wasn't expecting Roman fucking Reigns! He takes out everyone and the show ends with Roman dominant in the ring. Pretty cool ending.
(Roman's back, it's about fucking time)
Pros:
- Gauntlet match was great
- Naomi's casual Asian racism was actually pretty funny. For a second there I thought she was an Onion Farms moderator
- Roman Returning, obviously
- The Kabuki warriors match was stellar, as always
- The commercials were toned down
- Lyra and Bayley had a great match
Cons:
- CM Punk won the title shot
- Rhea Ripley is in Iyo's rematch, no explanation given
- Too many women's matches the night after a women's only pay per view
- WHY IS NIKKI BELLA ON MY TV IN 2025???
- Lyra and Bayley had no reason to be 2/3 falls
- there were moments of this review that felt hard to write because they weren't good.
Overall Grade: C+
So the show is kicking off with Naomi, the negress who cashed in money in the bank and stole the title from the Iyo vs Rhea match. She's literally talking like aunt Jemima. She can't cut a promo to save her life. At least she can wrestle.
Rhea comes out and puts an end to this foolishness. Thank you, Rhea. You know that things are bad when Australian Marilyn Manson impersonator cuts a better promo than you. OH MY GOD, Iyo just came out and the outfit she has on she needs two hairdos to wear. Cheeky. I love it. Adam Pierce comes out and sets up a match at SummerSlam between the 3 for the belt.
(Two hot girls and a nïgger talking)
Fucking commercial.
Getting into the action early as the Kabuki Warriors are coming out. Up against Roxanne and Raquel for a future title shot at the belts. Asuka and Raquel trading shots, the crowd is losing it for Asuka. Roxanne tags in and cheap shots Asuka. Stiff shot you can hear, Asuka is pissed. She grabs Roxanne by the hair and kicks her in the face about 10 times. Kairi tags in for a double team on Roxanne. Kick at one. Hahaha, the announcer just said one of my favorite sayings about hitting on other women when you're in a relationship: "just because you're on a diet doesn't mean you can't look at the menu" Asuka and Kairi get double bars, Raquel is able to pick Kairi up and slam her onto Asuka.
ANOTHER. FUCKING. COMMERCIAL. God forbid I don't hear about slim jims or shark week in the middle of a match.
Roxanne looks like she regrets getting in the ring with these new Japan women. The Kabuki warriors are basically putting on an exhibition here. Raquel tries to make the save but Asuka pulls down the top rope and shit cans her. Elbow from the top rope but Dominik distracted the ref and Raquel pulled Roxanne out of the ring right before the three. Raquel sent into the metal ring post and Asuka is beating Roxanne like a crash test dummy. More Dominik shenanigans, Asuka plants him with a spinning back fist but Roxanne steals it with a school boy.
(The Kabuki warriors, in disbelief that they just got beat by dorks)
Backstage with Paul Heyman talking about Seth's knee injury. Hyping Bron Breaker in The gauntlet match later tonight.
Commercial. That's 3 in 35 minutes.
Bayley coming out for a 2/3 falls match for the IC title against Lyra. Jesus Christ, do you think you got enough women's matches on this card? They LITERALLY just had an all women's match pay per view 24 hours ago. They tie up and Lyra is holding Bayley in a headlock and won't let up. Lyra to the top and Bayley gives her head pats like she's a weeaboos girlfriend, which was pretty funny. Slap across the face and a roll up and now Bayley wins the first of three. Now wrestling logic dictates that Lyra will win the second, thus negating the reason to have a 1/3 falls match.
(Bayley, stalking her prey)
Commercial break because why not? It's only been 10 minutes.
Back in and Lyra is is in control with quality kicks and clotheslines. Goes for the tornado DDT but it doesn't connect. Double drop kick into the corner, tornado DDT connects, turns it into a fisherman's suplex and arches her back for the pin but it's a 2. Irish whip reversed and Bayley hits a cross body into Lyra's back. Clean looking dropkick between the top and middle rope, but Bayley hits a belly to back on the ring apron. I can't believe that was a two count. She literally just won with a slap and a roll up earlier. A moment of actual grappling and Lyra gets the 3. Now they both have one win, like I said they would.
Commercial break. You can show me as many commercials for Marvel's latest shit stew with that faggot Pedro Pascal, but I'm still not going to see it. I watch highbrow cinema, like Beetlejuice and LITERALLY anything made by George Romero.
You can tell they are getting gassed because they aren't really doing much except throwing sloppy punches and kicks around. Lyra from the top but Bayley turns into a belly to belly suplex but it's only a 2. Bayley now to the top but Lyra punishes her and hits the Nightwing. For 2. On the ring apron again and a big move is being teased by both. It ends up being Lyra who hits a devastating fisherman's suplex on the ring apron. Bayley hit a sweet looking running power bomb onto the steel steps and she turns it into a elbow onto Lyra's spine. Now a cross face. Lyra somehow hits another Nightwing and gets the 3. This was actually a great match. That stairs powerbomb looked nasty. Becky Lynch comes out and does that thing where she holds the belt and they talk trash to each other.
(Lyra gets the pin right on top of a giant slim jim logo)
Stephanie Vaquer talking backstage and gets interrupted by Chelsea Green and her goons. Nikki Bella coming out about to show us what a girl who was literally picked out of a lingerie catalog and turned into a wrestler can do. Let's hope Chelsea Green has the skills to carry this match.
Commercial break, but we haven't had one in a while so I'm not annoyed. You know I could not have to watch these commercials by upgrading Netflix, but literally the only thing I watch on Netflix is wrestling so I'm not spending more money on this gay woke company than I have to.
Back from commercial and Karrion Kross cut a pre-taped promo with his woman that was cooler than I'm betting this next match will be. The announcers are telling us that this is Bella's first match in 7 years. Yeah we know she sucks, you don't have to make excuses. Chelsea is trying really hard to make Nikki look good, but her offense is faker than a prostitute's orgasms. Chelsea hits a dope backstabber, 90% of this match has been outside of the ring to give Bella a break. I can't even describe this because now they're throwing those fake looking wrestling headbutts that you would do to your brother when you were a little kid, and rest holds. I mean the commentators don't even know how to call this. I'm officially giving up on this match it stinks. Nikki wins, nobody cares.
("I used to fuck John Cena!")
I never thought I'd be happy to see commercials.
Gunther coming down to the ring. Finally, some fucking TESTOSTERONE on this show aimed at men. He's swaggering around, insulting the crowd and bragging about how he retired Goldberg. This is how a heel acts.
(Gunther, trash talking the crowd because she beat up an old man on Saturday)
Bron Breaker interrupts and we're going to get this shit underway. It's GAUNTLET time. They are cutting promos and hyping this main event up.
Commercial, but that's kind of expected because we are about to go into a long ass gauntlet.
Penta about to kick it off and I SINCERELY doubt he's going to win this gauntlet match because it's a you know... Gauntlet match. This is basically a wave of dudes coming one after another to wrestle Bron. I severely doubt he's going to get beat by the first guy. Penta jumps right on him with kicks and punches. Bron eats it and starts throwing Penta around like a doll. Crossbody off the top by Penta. He can't capitalize as Bron hits a good clothesline to a splash out over the top out of the ring onto Bron.
Commercial. Thank you, wrestling. I needed to see a commercial for the 37th Madea movie instead of this match.
Back in and Bron presses Penta and drops him on to the steel steps. Back in the ring and Bron hits a good suplex, and STOPS HIS OWN PIN ON A GUY SO HE CAN DO PUSH-UPS IN THE RING. Fucking awesome. An amazing looking belly to belly overhead suplex at the commentators just call a "throw" because they're retarded. Bron nails a spear for the 3.
(Bron hitting Penta at runaway slave speed)
LA Knights music hits. Fuck. This means he's going to do the job tonight. LA Knight looking strong starting out with all the offense. Jesus Christ, he's back on a cycle of gear like Drew McIntyre is. Trust me you don't have a body like that after 40 unless you're on some shit. And I'm on TRT and don't look half that good so he must be shooting up fuckin horse hormones. Dumps Bron over the top with a clothesline and hits him with a baseball slide. Slamming his head into the announced table, this match has been 100% Knight. Bron FINALLY gets an offensive move in by hitting Knight in the midsection and how convenient that he did it right before a commercial break?
(L! A! Knight! YEEEEEEEAAAAA!)
Back from commercial and Bron is still working the midsection but he can't put Knight away. Hit the ropes into a double clothesline (a lot of clothes lines tonight) and Knight hitting a series of punches and a neck breaker into a DDT. To the top with an elbow drop but can only get the 2. Knight goes for the BFT but Bron rakes the eyes and spears for 3.
The next one out is Jey Uso, a guy with a great intro, a great look, a great promo... The guy can do everything but wrestle. Bron drinks from a bottle of water to sell the fact that he's getting tired. Flurry of punches by Jey into a suicide dive.
Commercial break.
Jey gets a weak looking cross body and does the Samoan butt slam in the corner that they all do. He does it again. I love how everybody steals shit from Jacob Fatu because he's actually the coolest Samoan dude in the company. Frankensteiner from the top only for a 2. Jey superkick, superkick, spear. I swear to God he spams the same couple of moves like when your girlfriend tries to play Street Fighter with you. Bronson Reed interferes and Bron gets a 3 after a dope spear.
(Bron can't believe he's getting his ass kicked by some Polynesianigger who says yeet)
Here comes CM (the CM stands for child molester) Punk. Of course he has to start off beating the hell out of Bron because God forbid this chump isn't booked strong.
Commercial break.
Back from break and Punk is getting his shit in. Atomic drop and Bron hit him with an OVERHEAD BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX, STOP CALLING IT A "THROW", ANNOUNCERS. Bron it starts chanting CM Punk at the crowd and mocking Punks shit while he's beating him up in the corner. I like when Bron is making jokes, he has really lacked personality since he's come to the show and I'm glad he's starting to develop a character. Bron grabs Punk and is OBVIOUSLY talking to him but I don't blame him because he's had to wrestle three guys, at this point I wouldn't remember what I was supposed to do either. Frankensteiner but Punk rolls it into almost the 3 count. Hard kick to the head but Punk can't follow through, they both go to the ground. Neckbreaker by Punk into the running knee, into the macho man elbow for a 2, but Punk hits the anaconda. Bronson Reed comes in and splashes Punk because fuck you, no DQ lol. Ghey Uso comes back down and takes Reed out. Bron goes for the spear but Punk knees him and hits the GTS. Punk will face Gunther for the belt at SummerSlam. Lame.
(A picture of lameness)
Post match and the bad guys are killing Punk and Jey.
Oh shit I was expecting some kind of lame running for the good guys but I wasn't expecting Roman fucking Reigns! He takes out everyone and the show ends with Roman dominant in the ring. Pretty cool ending.
(Roman's back, it's about fucking time)
Pros:
- Gauntlet match was great
- Naomi's casual Asian racism was actually pretty funny. For a second there I thought she was an Onion Farms moderator
- Roman Returning, obviously
- The Kabuki warriors match was stellar, as always
- The commercials were toned down
- Lyra and Bayley had a great match
Cons:
- CM Punk won the title shot
- Rhea Ripley is in Iyo's rematch, no explanation given
- Too many women's matches the night after a women's only pay per view
- WHY IS NIKKI BELLA ON MY TV IN 2025???
- Lyra and Bayley had no reason to be 2/3 falls
- there were moments of this review that felt hard to write because they weren't good.
Overall Grade: C+
