Soyteen Liker's Blog

Home said:

This just feels like too much that’s way out of our pay grade, and everyone here’s more interested in trolling than helping you out honestly.

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chudchudchudchud said:

It isn't even necessarily asking for advice or help, I just want to bounce ideas off of people, really.

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Home said:

I guess I could try to help. So what, you’re a woman who gets off to the idea of becoming a man? Or vice versa?

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chudchudchudchud said:

Yeah but it's been less pressing lately. To blogpost for real now though, today my mom took me to see an old psychologist again because I've been tremoring from anxiety but apparently the psychologist passed away from a heart attack in January. We got an appointment for a different one on 9/11 though. Around in an hour or so, my mom will ask her friend about finding me someone who could potentially deliver me from demonic influence. We're going to Costco right now.

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Home said:

How has your life been as a woman?

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Home said:

Anything significantly traumatic happen?

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Home said:

Are you even sure this desire is sexual?

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chudchudchudchud said:

It's been alright I think, context tells me that you want to know how I've felt about being a woman in my life. I started off indifferent to it really, I never related to the type of woman/ftm to think it's unfair or degrading or shitty or whatever. When I first got brainwashed online to think being trans was a viable option for me, I literally thought to myself "I like being a girl but I want to be a boy" It's quite hard to think of how it was back then because I was 13 about 7 years ago, but it felt pleasing and exciting to imagine myself become a transman and physically masculinizing myself.

I would say so, especially because I'm always dissociated but I don't think it's on the same lines of "Man = strong so I need to be a man to be safe" as I've heard before from some detransitioners. It's more like some wires got crossed and I subconsciously retconned my childhood self as a little boy. It's hard to explain but "he" feels like a separate entity that I feel a need to "re"connect to. I think I will talk about it again with a new psychologist on 9/11 because I've been getting internal tremors lately along with other stress and anxiety symptoms.

I'm trying to cut back on oversharing especially when nobody asked. You asked me though, so I think I can share a bit. When it was at it's worst, I was very addicted to pornography and wanted testosterone to make the addiction worse. But even besides that, "he" would feel like a comforting entity locked inside me. So it was indirectly sexual but romantic too. I've been free from pornography for about 6 months now and this along with trying to find a psychologist/therapist have reduced the transition urges down to basically nothing.

Related to my earlier post about my day though, the guy my mom called told us to get rid of the Buddha stuff around our house. I already told my mom about it a few months ago but she didn't listen to me nor my dad.

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chudchudchudchud said:

It's been alright I think, context tells me that you want to know how I've felt about being a woman in my life. I started off indifferent to it really, I never related to the type of woman/ftm to think it's unfair or degrading or shitty or whatever. When I first got brainwashed online to think being trans was a viable option for me, I literally thought to myself "I like being a girl but I want to be a boy" It's quite hard to think of how it was back then because I was 13 about 7 years ago, but it felt pleasing and exciting to imagine myself become a transman and physically masculinizing myself.

I would say so, especially because I'm always dissociated but I don't think it's on the same lines of "Man = strong so I need to be a man to be safe" as I've heard before from some detransitioners. It's more like some wires got crossed and I subconsciously retconned my childhood self as a little boy. It's hard to explain but "he" feels like a separate entity that I feel a need to "re"connect to. I think I will talk about it again with a new psychologist on 9/11 because I've been getting internal tremors lately along with other stress and anxiety symptoms.

I'm trying to cut back on oversharing especially when nobody asked. You asked me though, so I think I can share a bit. When it was at it's worst, I was very addicted to pornography and wanted testosterone to make the addiction worse. But even besides that, "he" would feel like a comforting entity locked inside me. So it was indirectly sexual but romantic too. I've been free from pornography for about 6 months now and this along with trying to find a psychologist/therapist have reduced the transition urges down to basically nothing.

Related to my earlier post about my day though, the guy my mom called told us to get rid of the Buddha stuff around our house. I already told my mom about it a few months ago but she didn't listen to me nor my dad.

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Dr. Nate said:

Sounds like your using it to cope with being a bum

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chudchudchudchud said:

Nah I think it/"he" is a demonic influence that intentionally conflates itself with THESIS. THESIS is kinda hard to summarize but she's like, my genetic/core/childhood self that sealed herself away to make room for ANTITHESIS and now controls my internal/subconscious processes while ANTITHESIS... does the antithesis of that (controls external/conscious processes.)

I could go on and on but I think if I continue working on this, the prize will be greater than anything I can imagine right now

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