Elisa Ann Schwartz / Elisa Jordana / Kermit and Friends Podcast

Empresa · Aug 17, 2022

KAF is hosted by a relatively good-looking mid-30's lady named Elisa Schwartz. As you can tell from the show description, she is likely insane, probably does lots of cocaine, and coasts through life based largely on her middling looks. She named KAF after her dog, Kermit, who is pictured below.

Kermit And Friends is a LIVE comedic spiritual interactive web show that is hosted by Elisa "Jordana" Schwartz every Sunday at 11am PST in place of her Sunday church service at the local church. The church she was attending refused to baptize her because she wasn't "close enough to God" so she started her own, The Kermitarian Church-a place without judgement. Kermit, thank you for loving me. I hope I was good to you. You have my heart forever. You inspire me in everything I do.

Elisa Jordana's feet pics

As I explain below, this is a new low point for Elisa Schwartz. Unlike many people in Ethan Ralph's sphere, Elisa has some talent, and at one point was on track to have a successful career in show business. Elisa Schwartz used to be a keytarist for a chart-topping pop band called Cobra Starship. But how did Elisa go from Cobra Starship to hosting a failing internet show, and interviewing Ethan Ralph about his own failing show?

Let's look a little closer:

As a Jewish American Princess from New Jersey, Elisa has been trying to get famous since she was very young. She focused on music because that "was the only time . . . people paid any attention to" her. At one point her father got "got ripped off for thousands of dollars when producers promised him they could get [Elisa] a recording contract." Her parents eventually paid for her to attend Berklee College of Music in Boston, which is a pretty good school for aspiring career musicians. However, she was not finding success with that.

Eventually she met and started fucking someone in a new band called Cobra Starship (featuring the vocalist of Midtown, a relatively successful indie pop band). Because she was fucking someone in the band, and she wanted to be famous, they found a place for her in Cobra Starship. But things went south when Elisa became obsessed with the lead singer of the band, Gabe Saporta, and started fucking him on the DL. This led to an embarrassing and public falling out with Cobra Starship, whereafter they replaced Elisa with someone more talented, better looking, and not insane. Here Elisa explains what happened in her own words:

After I left home, I waitressed in NYC, took the occasional modeling job, go-go danced, and tried to navigate the music industry. Multiple times, I found myself alone with random "music producers" trying to get in my pants. . . . I experienced little to no success . . .

I had finally given up and accepted that I'd be a cocktail waitress and/or shady foot fetish model when I bumped into a guy at a nightclub who said he was forming a band and asked if I'd be interested in joining.

"Yes! I'll do anything!" I said too quickly, not looking very cool at all.

"Great, we rehearse Monday in Jersey City."

I forced myself to go to every single rehearsal, and worked 12 hours a day learning the songs he wanted me to play. I picked up a cool instrument, the "keytar," which is a combination of a keyboard and a guitar.

I loved being part of something—it was as if I finally belonged somewhere. When we left New York to embark on a national tour, I couldn't have been more excited. But I let my emotions get the best of me and ended up falling in love with my band's lead singer. He made my dreams come true . . . Our relationship was a secret I was not capable of handling. I wanted to tell the world about us. But instead, the whole situation just became really awkward. At times, it felt like I was in danger of being replaced.
...
Eventually, I recognized that my dreams hadn't come true after all. They replaced me with someone I'd never seen before—a younger, more attractive version of myself—with perfectly straight hair and a smaller nose. More devastation came when a few months later the band had a number one hit single on every pop radio station across the country. They performed at the MTV Video Music Awards that year, with my replacement front and center. I'd been dumped and fired from jobs before, but never one that gave me a constant reminder on how much I'd royally screwed up my life. I became depressed for years, and moved to California to escape the daily remembrance of how much I'd failed in New York. I was working at a bikini bar when my former band's song "Good Girls Go Bad" came on the radio. I never felt like such a loser in my life. I developed a stage name for myself, no longer being Elisa Schwartz but Elisa Jordana, hoping this new identity would bring me some better luck.

I became enamored with the comedy scene in LA. I needed laughter in my life, I was desperate for it. I started writing jokes but was too scared to perform them on stage. After dating a brilliant comedy writer while visiting New York, I ended up being inspired enough to submit material to The Howard Stern Show, where he worked. Eventually they hired me and I felt a little bit less horrible about myself.

As it turned out, The Howard Stern Show wasn't the best place to work for someone whose self esteem had been broken. When talk show host Jimmy Kimmel went on the air and said "Elisa Jordana isn't funny or talented," I just about lost my mind. When I got the opportunity to play some original music live on the show for record industry exec Tommy Mottola, he called my voice "thin," and said I should "stick to comedy."

Having Jimmy Kimmel say I wasn't funny and Tommy Mottola say I was a horrible singer made me realize something. I had been heartbroken. I'd been through humiliations. I'd had famous and successful people criticize me in front of an audience of millions. Of course I should've quit trying things, at least publicly.
Click to expand...

There are many points of discussion here (e.g., her insecurity about her nose, her history as a "go-go dancer," her history in the "comedy scene in LA"), but the most significant is her sexual relationship with some pudgy Jewish Howard Stern Show stagehand named Benjy Bronk. When she got to Hollywood, Elisa began whoring herself out to celebrities such as Vin Diesel, Ethan Hawke, and David Blaine, but none of their fame rubbed off on her. Then one night she ran into this fat schlub Benjy and saw an opportunity. Using Benjy as a stepping stone, Elisa was able sleep her way into an occasional guest spot on The Howard Stern Show.

Unfortunately for Elisa, she was unable to parlay her time with the Howard Stern Show into a successful career, as the show's fans derided her as an annoying vapid fame whore whose only claim to fame was fucking a writer for the Howard Stern Show.

Eventually, it was revealed that she had done nude photo shoots for $$$ under the name "Juliet Shores." The authenticity of those photos was apparently later confirmed.

It appeared Elisa Schwartz would never be famous for anything respectable.

In a last ditch effort to become famous, Elisa started a podcast show called "Kermit and Friends," named after her little lapdog Kermit. Elisa has hosted KAF on several channels, including on two eponymous Elisa Jordana channels (here and here) and most recently a dedicated Kermit and Friends channel. Although it initially appears Elisa has only been doing KAF for a week (her oldest video "Introducing Kermit and Friends," was uploaded a week ago), she has in fact been doing KAF since at least 2015. Looking through the comments on her old videos, it becomes clear that she has always been disliked, both for her music, and for her personality. She is not new to hosting a web show. She is not just starting out. She has been at this a while, and she has always had the same level of success she currently has.

Because Elisa's now ex-boyfriend Benjy was at least somewhat connected in show business, he got famous people to attempt to listen to her show. Apparently Jimmy Kimmel was one of these people, and he did not have nice things to say about Elisa or KAF:

Elisa and Benjy split up a few years ago, and the Howard Stern Show cut ties with her. Elisa is apparently still trying to get famous, hanging around the showbiz scene trying to get people to take her seriously. She recently put KAF on its own Youtube channel, so maybe that's going to be her main focus now.

It's unclear how or why Ethan Ralph ended up on Elisa's unpopular KAF show. Elisa described Ralph as a "great guest that i'm super excited about... He's like a huge guy on the internet. He's a very successful uh youtube channel and a very successful online presence." It's quite obvious she has no clue who he is:

My theory is that Elisa knows Dax Herrera ("Dick Masterson") from the "comedy scene in LA," or someone associated with the Dick Show. He referred her to Ralph because nobody respectable wants to be on her unsuccessful show. But even though Elisa is a failure at doing a web show, she's still overall much more successful than Ralph, and hotter than any girl he's ever dreamed of banging. Thus, Ralph was happy to guest on her show, and he will probably start hanging off of her nuts like he does with Dax. No doubt Ethan Ralph dreams of one day fucking Elisa and smothering her with his sweaty gunt. Hey, she let Benjy fuck her; why not Ralph? Maybe he has a shot.

That's a pretty good rundown. I'll add more if I learn more.

EDIT 1: What a small world we live in. As it turns out, Elisa's dad, Frank Cucchiara, already has a thread on this site (thanks to juneaui for posting this info back in 2017). Here's Frank:

Apparently Frank is a total creep and a pedophile who has been accused of, inter alia, molesting Elisa and sexually assaulting dogs. He has or had a website (FrankieCucchiara.com now redirects to a Discord server, which I'm not signing up for) where he talks about wanting to legalize pedophilia and other perverted shit. He also has a Youtube channel ("HonestandFrank") where he rambles about the same.

Frank is such a creep that people started a petition to remove him from the internet. Among signatories of this petition was one "Cindy Schwartz" who claims to be "Elissa Jordana's mother." This is what Cindy wrote:

Cindy Schwartz · 6 years ago
This is important to me because I am Elissa Jordana's mother. Frank is her father. He wanted me to abort her but I didn't. The biggest regret of my life. Now she helps him look for children to think about sexually. I am mortified.

Cindy Schwartz . 6 years ago
This man is a mentally ill squatter who advocates pedophilia & internet harassment. He & my mentally ill daughter, Elissa Jordana are predators and should be investigated. My daughter & I no longer speak in part because of this pedophile. Thank you.

Holy fucking shit. Elisa's mom openly regrets not getting an abortion. That's like the biggest disavow of all time.

Another person named "Ryan Lever" wrote the following:

Ryan Lever . 6 years ago
Frank is a stalker and a molester of kids and animals. He once waved a flag in front of my elementary school for 4 hours and then exposed himself to me and a friend. Now Frank is on a webcast with an alcoholic woman named Elissa Jordana who has schizophrenia and many other mentally ill pedophiles & people with downs syndrome. They make up stories & rant about nothing then people show their penises. Elisa's mother Cindy & Frank her dad hate each other because now Frank is recruiting children Elissa finds on the internet and exploits them. They also make fun of people with cancer, Lyme disease and anyone else with a good head on their shoulders, friends, beauty and happy families. Please get rid of them both. He also molested my daughter. Thank you.
Click to expand...

Ryan Lever . 6 years ago
Because he molested my daughter and he harasses people with a mentally retarded woman who looks like she's melting. Her name is Elissa Jordana, she is Honest Frank the pedophile's daughter. Thank you.

At one point Frank ran for Mayor of Mastic Beach, a little village on Long Island, NY. He of course lost.

Here are but a few videos he has posted on his YouTube:

Here's one where he's on Camera with Elisa.

A recurring theme is people say this guy is a pedophile, he's molested kids, and he has apparently sexually assaulted a dog on camera. I haven't personally seen all the videos of him admitting this stuff, but multiple people have referenced them, so I'll assume it's true for the time being.

TLDR: Elisa's father, Frank, is self-admitted pedophile and possibly zoophile who already has his own thread on Kiwi Farms in the "Horrorcow" subforum. Elisa allegedly worked with her father Frank to exploit underage girls for Frank's sexual pleasure. This accusation comes from Elisa's own mother, and other people in their community. Also, Elisa's mother openly regrets not getting an abortion.

After learning about Elisa's father, her life makes a lot more sense.