Deep in Nebraska, in the Kolb Bear lair,
Lived a cub named Ronnie McBear.
He turned on his Bearputer, typed on his screen,
he logged into places no bear should have been.
To the uppercase “I” of the Internet...
And THAT is the place where our long tale resides.
So sit in your seat! Do not wiggle or flee!
This story’s as twisty as twisty can be.
But back we must trot to the days long before
The drama came knocking on Ronnie’s cave door.
His teenage years? All thorny and tough!
With feelings all stormy and grumbly and gruff.
Ronnie wandered through links and reddits they say,
clicking on pages his horizons soon grew,
but going through puberty like we all do,
he found things young bears shouldn't see.
He wandered and wandered those reddits all day
developing unhealthy obsessions, mayday!
he became a brony, oy vey!
Finding horses quite hot
he would waste his time gooning
clopping his youth away!
"Pony sex is better than any religous text" he'd say.
While wondering why his depression worsened each day.
He fancied himself quite the troll of renown,
“I’m ironic!” he’d say with a theatrical frown.
But irony’s tricky it slips and it slides,
something too hard for his autistic mind.
He would wander reddit and twitter to post about ponies.
One day he discovered fair Kiwi Ville,
A bustling green forum atop Xenforo Hill.
but it wasn't long until he found where our story really begins.
Alex's thread soon caught Ronnie's attention
the threads grew like vines on a wall, thirty pages a day!
Ronnie cried, “Oh! That looks fun, i'll play!”
There was Axiom, The Un-Clit, and Beavy as well!
Naggot, Gravemind and Travis weaving his spells.
Sparkletor, IKOL and Private Tag Reporter.
Paper Roads, Markass, and Nicholas of Russia.
Barghast, Admiral, and Illuminati Order (Offical).
Nameless, Jason, AnOminous, and Suburban.
Cicada, Toji, Sperg Spectate and Jesuswithbazookas,
True Boss, Rango, Monk and Noriega.
Labernum, DAJ, Maki and Mike Matei's Penis.
Male Idiot, Glowie, and Panda too
and all the kiwis I surely didn't name, made the posts flying each day.
While Ronnie thought, “Surely I’ll make a big splash!”
He read and he posted and puffed up his chest,
Declared he could write up the thread better than the rest.
“Just give me the drafts! I’ll finish it quick!”
But the Kiwis just chuckled, “Oh you, sit down lunatic.”
For deep in his heart (though he’d never confess),
He wanted applause more than any success.
Recognition! Reputation! His name in bold type!
Validation sweet as Orange Fanta, not sprite.
When drafts weren’t delivered the way that he’d planned,
He argued and typed with a furious hand.
“You’re distracted!” he huffed. “You’re all far too slow!”
As page after page continued to grow.
Then off to the Onion Realm he wandered one day,
Where chaos and delusions held sway.
But bans came down swift as a slap on the snout
No sooner he’d log in than he’d be logged out.
He socked and he stickered, he schemed and he stewed,
Declared every kiwi terribly rude.
“Banned again?! Fine! I’ll return in disguise!”
But Kiwis are keen with suspicious green eyes.
A crisp hundred dollars once fell in his lap,
“Oh ho!” thought the bear with a mischievous clap.
He fired off an email with hopeful a appeal,
A bribe that Jewsh can't pass up is ideal.
He briefly escaped from banishment’s seal.
But lessons unlearned are lessons that sting,
For soon he was right back to doing his thing.
Complaining! Proclaiming! Declaring unfair!
Till once again poof! Went the Bear from his lair.
Back to the Onion World he stomped with a pout,
Writing hundreds of posts that no one read out.
He dreamed up big plans of the army!
But life rarely bends to impulsive advance.
“Back to square one!” sighed the Bear with a blink.
“Perhaps I need romance!” (or so he would think.)
Then one curious day, mid-scroll and mid-sigh,
He sputtered and squinted and widened one eye.
“Toji’s a lady? That simply can’t be!
Well if that is so… she might fancy me!”
“For hate and for love,” he declared with a grin,
“Are flip sides of coins that I surely could spin!”
(Oh Ronnie, dear Ronnie, oh what a thin thread.
When logic goes wandering off in your head.)
His daydreams grew tall as beanstalks in June,
They ballooned and they boomed like a runaway moon.
He pictured a cottage! A porch swing! A view!
And cubs with small sweaters in pastel hue.
From strangers to soulmates in one mighty leap,
Oh the castles one builds when one doesn’t sleep.
Yet still he would toil in the Oniony lair,
Tap-tapping and typing from swivel-wheel chair.
He grumbled and griped in long windy streams,
Inflating small sparks into thunderous schemes.
But posts without pause and rants without end
Have a way of not winning a single new friend.
At last came a moment both awkward and stark
When even the Onions thought was off the mark.
He vanished a while, not a post, not a peep.
While the forums rolled on in their chatter and sweep.
But hush now, dear reader… lean in if you please.
For strange winds were stirring the digital trees…
Then one fateful day, as fate sometimes does,
The orchard looked back and it looked back because
The secrets he’d scattered like crumbs in the breeze
Came fluttering down from digital trees.
Old posts he’d wished to ignore
Lay blinking in public like socks on the floor.
The mirror he’d held up to others for sport
Now turned toward him in the court of the fort.
And Ronnie McBear, in a rare quiet spell,
Felt smaller than those he’d mocked so well.
For chasing attention and stirring the pot
Had made him the cow in the very same plot.
Yet still he persists in Oniony gloom,
Typing away in his quiet room.
Some bears learn quickly. Some bears take years.
Some trade self-reflection for clicks and for jeers.
So if you should wander through Kiwi Ville fair,
And hear distant tapping from one stubborn Bear,
Remember, the loudest laugh in the thread
May echo the emptiest thoughts in one’s head.
And that, dear reader, is quite enough
The sun is out, and the snow is fluffy stuff.
So I bid fare well, till I am bored once more.
I'll write something fun for my pleasure, I'm sure.
