GuntMaster2000
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the facial hair would point towards pcos, you should get that checked
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Psychology Oriented Soyteen Liker's Blog
- Thread starter chudchudchudchud
- Start date
Threads that are seen as psychological in nature
@Soyteen Liker
You really should tell your doctor about this PCOS isn't fatal but it can lead to alopecia and difficulties having children (if you care about stuff like that. Do you have irregular periods?
Or you know, just reset your character configuration. It starts with a rusty shaving blade
Yeah I actually saw the docs yesterday and he straight up left in the middle of the appointment but we're gonna see a new one on Thursday. He asked me if I had PCOS and wanted to check my hormones but since he left we didn't have anyone to follow-up with.
In other news, I got 'nished (banned) from SNCApedia because the new owner is biased against me and finds me annoying. I don't really get why though, he found me annoying for shitting up the shiwi (kiwifarms thread on soyjak party) with namefag stuff but that's literally the point of sncapedia, I even made a high-effort page on a user. I might make a new email because I don't want to risk the ones I use being leaked, do you guys got any ideas for an email provider? I already have 3 protonmails and I don't think I can make another one, tutanota takes too long, gmail needs a phone number, and I don't know about outlook and am kind of afraid of risking fucking up the sync feature to my mom's phone.
The classic Proton Mail
Aboriginal
Muttley
Hellovan Onion
100% you fucking faggot and i'm getting your sock jannied as soon as I can be not lazy enough (null blocked my email so its a big ask)
Today I was thinking of my relationship between my AAP/"him" and my actual kink/fetish (well it's technically a kink but I don't like the BDSM associations of the word kink and fetish is close enough so I will be using the term fetish from now on.)
But basically, it's like the Lacanian psychoanalytic concept of jouissance. It's hard to define exactly especially since I never took a single psychology class in my life, but it's related to 'enjoyment that feels so good that it transcends enjoyment and becomes painful.' I rarely achieve this state by simply thinking about my fetish, but when I do, it's exactly like that. It feels so good yet it hurts so bad, I love it especially because it's my only way of accessing the feeling of true intimacy without "him" - everything else is filtered through the lens of "I'm not a boy/man, so I cannot have anything else."
The jouissance is my closest approximation to love because everything else is locked behind "him." I essentially created both "him" and my fetish because real intimacy is terrifying on some strange level I cannot let myself access or truly understand. It's why I often characterize my female ego as a shell with nothing worthwhile to say while "he" is a brilliant boy/man full of life - "he" carries everything I find worthwhile to have.
I definitely remember the encoding and activation of my fetish but the encoding of "him" gets a little murky. It might have been my mother comparing me to my male cousin a lot when I was little, especially when I was very upset - as in the whole "Why can't you be more like him?" drivel. I guess it makes sense on some level, but it doesn't explain why I locked all of my emotions behind "him" and cannot truly feel anything but anxiety and the jouissance to my fetish. At least I don't think that explains it.
I hope some day I will be able to heal from these schemas/pitfalls/ykwim. I think I've developed a lot of self awareness than how I first starting off of as "Uhh I guess I wanna be a man so I can have a stronger libido." I think externalizing my thoughts helps a lot because I am a strong extroverted type in a Jungian sense. I'm curious what people here think.
But basically, it's like the Lacanian psychoanalytic concept of jouissance. It's hard to define exactly especially since I never took a single psychology class in my life, but it's related to 'enjoyment that feels so good that it transcends enjoyment and becomes painful.' I rarely achieve this state by simply thinking about my fetish, but when I do, it's exactly like that. It feels so good yet it hurts so bad, I love it especially because it's my only way of accessing the feeling of true intimacy without "him" - everything else is filtered through the lens of "I'm not a boy/man, so I cannot have anything else."
The jouissance is my closest approximation to love because everything else is locked behind "him." I essentially created both "him" and my fetish because real intimacy is terrifying on some strange level I cannot let myself access or truly understand. It's why I often characterize my female ego as a shell with nothing worthwhile to say while "he" is a brilliant boy/man full of life - "he" carries everything I find worthwhile to have.
I definitely remember the encoding and activation of my fetish but the encoding of "him" gets a little murky. It might have been my mother comparing me to my male cousin a lot when I was little, especially when I was very upset - as in the whole "Why can't you be more like him?" drivel. I guess it makes sense on some level, but it doesn't explain why I locked all of my emotions behind "him" and cannot truly feel anything but anxiety and the jouissance to my fetish. At least I don't think that explains it.
I hope some day I will be able to heal from these schemas/pitfalls/ykwim. I think I've developed a lot of self awareness than how I first starting off of as "Uhh I guess I wanna be a man so I can have a stronger libido." I think externalizing my thoughts helps a lot because I am a strong extroverted type in a Jungian sense. I'm curious what people here think.
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