The two-toed sloth is a member of the superorder Xenarthra, which is a group of South American mammals that showed up roughly 60 millions years ago. It represents the absolute pinnacle of its species' evolution. This is the design that beat out all its competitors by achieving the best reproductive fitness. Maybe I'm not making myself clear. Dude fucks, is what I'm saying here. This thing which Equadorian tribes named with various forms of the words "eat, sleep, dirty" in their native language has been successfully getting laid for 60 million years. I reference this every time someone on the Internet calls me a virgin. This is not speculation, okay. Evolution is a science. My "sloth method" for picking up girls—in which I eat, sleep, and stay dirty by not showering for let's say 72 hours a stretch, while playing Hearthstone on my Android or maybe something like Civ 6 on my desktop—has proven to work in certain circumstances. This is not speculation. This is scientific fact. I am quite possibly the grandfather of an entirely divergent species of human: one that, like the two-toed sloth, eschews the modern idea of "pursuit" in favor of sitting pretty much motionless and vegging out until some day somehow you end up near enough to some probably universally-despised female to make a kind of sweaty and unenthusiastic attempt at passing on your genetic material, and still likely fail, but shit at least you'll be able to say it happened, right, and that you've unburdened yourself with the pressure.
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