So I'm listening to old voice messages and I'm such a sucker. The "I love you", "Everything will be okay baby", "You are my and only master", "I wish you could fuck me right now".
But I will soon step to home plate and run the bases. I know who I want to be. I know what I gotta do. My shit on the internet is forever engraved into the stones of time for all to see from now on to the forever of existence. I never made the enemies. I got torn down. And now that I'm the bad guy, I will run with what the internet wants to portray me as. I'm like Ronnie. Reddit hates him but so many others love him. I don't mind showing strangers how many times I fall. I don't mind that I give them ammo to shoot at me. I've been judged to the point of a Nihilists. Been fucked over when I gave my shirt away. It's time for me to grow some balls, face me demons and run like hell when I swing the bat. When I was in high school
[My H Key just got stuck LOL]
When I was in High School I got bullied constantly because I was Emo. So I really don't care what people say, I'm so used to the shit I'm over it but I will face what I'm afraid of and finally get what I deserve after everything I have been through. Again, I tend to have a humiliation fetish and be an absolute retard but deep down I am something with a soul and I will only cherish it. One thing I never talk about and you can dig it up because it's out there on the internet from 2004, but when I was in my Junior year I had a good friend. Her name I won't say but I will call her Ellie. She committed suicide. It was the first suicide I had witnessed. The whole school was in shock and I was one of her friends out of like three. And she would share songs with me. I remember I was at a lunch table alone and her and her friend came over to sit with me. Some of my classmates noticed and I started to blush. She was also bullied like me for being different. She really loved Blink-182 and let me listen to her IPod and the first song I heard from her playlists was "I Miss You". When this song comes on my playlists in my car I get very emotional. One time on my way home, I had to pull into a parking lot and sob for 10 minutes and this was after I was insulted by people at my job. It was as if she was trying to let me grieve alone from the crowd like she had to do when she was in my classes. She once told me that she skipped class and stayed in the library during the final semester of Sophomore year. But if I could go back in time to give her more hugs I would do it. Her death was painless because I asked her parents so at least she didn't suffer but I think about her once a week like I'm thinking about her a lot tonight. And would you know, the song came on again and I'm beside myself especially after a fucking break up. I think Ellie knows I'm in so much pain, I let it out of my system yesterday but I think today she wants to make sure it's completely out before I take on my transformation process. I remember she forgot to turn in a book and she gave it to me to turn it in so she avoids getting in trouble. The next time I saw her she gave me a big hug and again, people were looking at me and I told her to stop because I couldn't handle the attention. I wish I didn't. I beat myself up over it so fucking much. I wish I fucking kissed her and hugged her to the point the teacher standing outside pulled us off of each other. I would have taken the suspension because I regret telling her to stop. omg I'm crying. Maybe I deserve to die alone and a virgin, I'm a reject, but I know ellie would want me to keep going and find love or even better have it find me. Ellie will always be in my heart, she was so sweet and kind and I literally blamed myself for her suicide so much I felt like taking my own life. I remember the last time she spoke to me she was asking about when the next test was since our teacher in math didn't tell us because of how loaded we were with assignments. And her last words were "thank you tho" literally with just "tho" misspelled. And when we found out she took her life I couldn't accept it, I kept telling myself maybe they got it all wrong. I'm so fucking cursed but I know Ellie wouldn't want me to be in this mindset. Her friends moved away to other states years ago to live their lives but I visit Ellie's grave sometimes. Her parents gave me her Ipod and diary and I keep them in a plastic bag but when i go visit her grave I bring them with me to listen to her music and read her diaries out loud when no ones around. I can't tell you how many times I lay on my back and cry like shes next to me. I'm going to visit her grave tommorrow after I get somethings done, I haven't been there since the summer but I will drive the 2 hours to go see her again and I will vent to her about my now ex girlfriend.
I love you Ellie.

Thank you for being with me in these troublesome times.
I Miss You.
will you come home and stop this pain tonight?