AKA/Drain Todger / Train Dodger / *THASF* / The Halo and Sonic Fan / Reveille / GNO-SYS / Spartan043 / b00msl4ng / Allan X - Smug Autist, Tried to Solve COVID-19 by Tarding Out on Google, Erotic Brony Fanfiction Author, Still Living With His Parents at Age 30, Self-Doxing Halal Speedrunner, Crashed His Tardmobile Into the Clown Library
"I don't want to fuck the pony. I want to be the pony." — @Drain Todger
David Andrew Jamison Jr. (@Drain Todger on Kiwi Farms) is a galaxy brain autist who sperged out about COVID-19 so hard that he doxed himself less than a month after joining Kiwi Farms. Unfortunately for David, this blunder led us to discover that he's also a...
- Brony who jerks off to cartoon ponies.
- Godawful fanfiction author whose works include a grimdark My Little Pony fanfic with explicit sexual content.
- Sissification fetishist.
- Obvious male who looks/dresses/acts like a man, but sometimes claims he's a tranny for some goddamn reason.
- Son of a schizophrenic Jehovah's Witness who once stole his car because she was convinced that his father had demonically possessed Ray-Bans.
- 30-year-old who still lives with his parents. Not out of financial necessity, mind you, but because he lets his dad guilt-trip him into staying.
- Notorious sped who's been making a spectacle of himself in various online communities for nearly two decades.
"I rather get corona than read that wall of shit." — @Daddy's Little Kitten
"I never knew a man could :alog: a virus." — @Spooky Bones
"Dude can you fucking stop? You're going to be the next Ashley Lynne Coulter." — @jellycar
"Lol you need to get a hooker nigga" — @mr.moon1488
"Just fuck up my sides" — @Bat Soup Reviews
"I think I saw you standing at a bus station screaming at a garbage can once." — @Ruin
David is such a prodigious sped that a single Xenforo post literally can't contain all his autism, so I've divided this OP into a three course meal:
- Part 1: The Self-Dox Seppuku Saga — This section covers the COVID-19 chimpout that brought David to our collective attention.
- Part 2: Portrait of a Smug Autist — This section attempts to characterize the personal flaws and patterns of autistic behavior that make David a lolcow.
- Part 3: The Clown Library — This section is a guided tour through David's embarrassing Internet history, from him sperging on Halo fan forums at age 11 to him writing 4000+ word sex scenes about how it feels to be dominated and cumflated by a big fat horse cock at age 30.
Speditor's Note
This thread was initially written as an approved halal for Kiwi Farms, so adapting it for lolcow.org has led to a few oddities. Most people shouldn't give a shit, but I know some sperg will ask if I don't explain it, so here's what's different:- Since I can't make Xenforo quote boxes with the little arrow that takes you to the original post on Kiwi Farms, I've instead included links to the original and archived versions of the post at the top of each quote box.
- All file attachments within the quoted posts have been reuploaded to lolcow.org and reinserted in the appropriate locations. Some of them needed to be altered to make them work here, but all the original content is still there.
- All @ mentions have been left unaltered, so most of them won't link to anything unless there's an account here by the same name. The sole exception is the credits section which links back to each user's profile page on Kiwi Farms.
Our story begins on March 1, 2020 when the gods of autism told David to spread the bad news of Corona-chan to the unwashed heathens of Kiwi Farms, prompting him to deliver his first sermon. This post was initially pretty well-received, presumably because it was so fucking long that hardly anybody actually read the whole thing.
On March 23, David posted a link to his aspergic treatise in the COVID-19 Megathread:
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